I had it then I lost it. It was right in front of me. Despite the thousands of miles between, it felt like just across the room. It was what I wanted for so long. Looking me right in the eye. Warm, loving, caring… understanding. Beautiful, vulnerable, strong… unflinching.

And then I looked away. I put more miles in between. And it hurt. It created distrust. It divided, it strained.

And I hate it. What could have been, was scattered across the highways in between. Re-connection turned to disconnection. Hope to uncertainty.

Here I am again. Me, no you.

Didn’t think I’d be here so fucking soon.

Let me step away from that last comment. The chances are still small, as I have made plans, and there are things that I desperately miss about the States. But as I gear up for leaving, I definitely feel the tug of Korea not ready to let me go.

I really feel like there’s been 3 Korea’s. At first, I was in awe of it, the newness, the job, the millions of distractions. This is “Fresh Korea.” Then, I got sick of it, the routine, the dull moments alone, and the millions of people who I hadn’t really figured out — the “Shit Korea.”. Now, it’s a combination of the two. Everything I love and hate is all here right in front of me. And I kind of like it.

(Okay, if you combine “Fresh Korea” and “Shit Korea” you get the “Fresh Shit Korea” — I’m not going there — completely unintentional)

So this 3rd Korea has been fun. I’ve been poor, but it’s been fun. I’ve been surprised, and in many ways, I’m sad to see this time in my life go. It was potentially my last days as a slacker. Maybe that’s part of the reason I still have one foot in Koreatown. But not all of it. I have a pretty good idea about the rest of it.

Whatever the reason, it’s been a while. My life has been interesting lately. I’ve had glimpses of newness followed by reminders that there’s lots to work on and do in my life. It’s almost been a year. A whole year away. It blows my mind. And I’m replaying  all these moments I’ve had over here and trying to figure out what they all mean. I know that Korea has changed me. But I’m not sure how. How am I different? How am I the same?

I know that — now more than ever — I want to reach out to people. I know the moments leading up to this, I started to — but things got lost in the time zones. Stupid time zones. Has it been a year and I’ve only talked to some of my friends a handful of times? Ugh.

Recent events are making things a little odd over here. I’m starting to see things I haven’t before. I’m getting glimpses of how life could have been if I had done things differently. I’m becoming more appreciative of Korea, though I still find time to want it be over. I’ll miss it’s cheapness, the lack of real responsibility. A year from now, I might be longing for it, so I know to take advantage while I can.

It’s the year I’m turning 30 — which is also bonkers. In eight months, my 20s will be over. Damn, was I an idiot 10 years ago. 20 year old Will really didn’t know shit. Not that almost 30 year old Will knows anything. Maybe the fact that I didn’t know much back then, and that I don’t know a whole lot more now. That’s something.

Anyway — this — whatever this is — is almost over. I’m happy to be coming home, anxious to re-join Western society. I’m curious as to what kind of person I will be.

Because I really have no idea who I am here.

http://wheretheselfresides.tumblr.com/

Named “Where The Self Resides” from the Andrew Bird song, “Dark Matter.”

Do you wonder where the self resides?
Is it in your head or between your sides?

Find a balance between work and play. Then kick over the scale.

If I like it, then put a ring on it.

Remind myself everyday that turning 30 is not that big a deal.

Cure the common cold.

Forcefully introduce myself to a random person everyday.

Smoke less grass, plant more trees.

Buy new jeans.

Write.

Ask more personal questions.

Replace all underwear I’ve owned longer than 2 years.

Get crazy.

Eliminate all flab from my body. Except the kind you get from drinking too much beer.

Eat more vegetables. But not broccoli because that’s disgusting.

Sky dive.

Be less thoughtless and more thought provoking.

Kick the annoying habits I’ve acquired while living in Korea. Like talking about people when I am within ear shot.

Kick the annoying habits I’ve acquired while living alone. Like shitting with the door open.

Stop eating ramen once and for all. Unless I am in hard times.

Legally add a third “l” to my first name, but make it silent.

Make a nun or priest laugh.

Make someone who deserves it cry.

Make someone who deserves it happy.

Make those last two be the same person.

Instead of killing the message, kill the messenger. Unless it’s a carrier pigeon. Or a really nice person.

Do one pull up.

Make the 10′s the best decade yet.

2000: Parachutes, Coldplay.

Honorable Mention: Lost Souls, Doves

2001: Musicforthemorningafter, Pete Yorn.

Honorable Mention: The Optimist LP, Turin Brakes.

2002:( ), Sigur Ros.

Honorable Mention: Give Up, The Postal Service. Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, Wilco. A Rush Of Blood To The Head, Coldplay.

2003: Transatlanticism, Death Cab for Cutie.

Honorable Mention: O, Damien Rice. Cast of Thousands, Elbow.

2004: Funeral, Arcade Fire.

Honorable Mention: Love Is Hell, Ryan Adams.

2005: Alligator, The National.

Honorable Mention: Z, My Morning Jacket. Descended Like Vultures, Rogue Wave.

2006: Post-War, M. Ward.

Honorable Mention: Everything All The Time, Band of Horses.

2007: Boxer, The National.

Honorable Mention: In Rainbows, Radiohead. Anytown Graffiti, Pela.

2008: For Emma, Forever Ago, Bon Iver.

Honorable Mention: Med Sud I Eyrum Vid Spilum Endalaust, Sigur Ros.

2009: Hospice, The Antlers.

Honorable Mention: Logos, Atlas Sound. When The Devil’s Loose, A.A. Bondy.

Saddest, most beautiful album I’ve heard in a long, long time. I dare you to listen and not feel something.

2. Logos, Atlas Sound

It’s all about the in between sounds on this one. Couldn’t get it out of my head.

3. Blakroc, Blakroc

The Black Keys make a hip hop album. Best idea they’ve ever had.

4. When The Devil’s Loose, A.A. Bondy

Hints of a young Bob Dylan.

5. Creaturesque, Throw Me The Statue

Representing Seattle on this list. Got heavy rotation on the old iPod this year.

6. Tight Knit, Veviter

Last minute addition, is presently my Winter-favorite.

7. The Ruminant Band, The Fruit Bats

One of my favorite discoveries this year.

8. XX, The XX

I gave in. This is a damn good debut album.

9. Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix, Phoenix

The closest I get to pop.

10. Threadbare, Port O’Brien

This album is eons ahead of their last one. Eager for more.

There’s something about a slightly overweight, slightly effeminate 4th grader that makes me appreciate the little things in life. He’s poetry in his awkward motion, he’s Michael Jordan in his heyday with his lisp. He wears giant Buddy Holly glasses, almost too large for his eager face. It’s almost as if he know’s he will grow into them. But truth be told, he doesn’t have far to go.

His voice is louder than the rest, and I wonder if the kids in the hall can hear him as he answers my questions. He might be tipping them off. But I’m lulled by his monotone voice into thinking he’s the best candidate for English camp.

The content of his responses is erratic, and his delivery is sometimes sloppy. But it’s his confidence that is hard to ignore. He talks like no one is judging him, like he’s saying,

“this is me – don’t front – aight?”

He claims his hero is Superman, and he seems pretty sure that he really exists. The way he describes him, he almost has me fooled. I mean, the dude can fly… need he say anymore?

He treats each question as a glancing blow, as if nothing I could ever say in my native tongue could trip him up. Here’s what I’m doing for Christmas, here’s where I would travel to, and my favorite animal is a dinosaur. Should I fill him in on the dinosaurs? Nah, I better not.

I thank him for coming, watch him clumsily grab his backpack, linger momentarily in the back of the classroom, then struggle to let himself out the door, as beads of sweat drip down his forehead.

You’re in, buddy. English camp would be honored to have you.

Father your failures are so grave,
they have seeped to son.
No amount of wishing,
for grace to be regained or won.
10,000 pounds of hope,
on the shoulders of one.

It’s clear to me,
how the son has gone to seed.
It’s clear to me,
how the roots shape the tree.
If I found a penance to be paid,
if I found a payment to be made.

There’s no real letter to write,
To no real father of mine.
With no real things,
it’s hard not to think.
With no real things,
it’s hard not to sing.

Father your failures are so grave,
they have seeped to son.
No amount of wishing,
for grace to be regained or won.

A year ago, coming to Korea was just an idea. Thanksgiving dinner 2009 consisted of soju,  galbi and samgyeopsal amongst a ragtag bunch of misplaced foreigners. Not exactly what I imagined a year ago.

But through all the good times and shit times I’ve had over here, I am very thankful that I’ve had the chance to live here. It’s given me a lot of perspective and I look forward to the rest of my time here and whatever is next for me.

I also look forward to sharing beers with everybody and shooting the shit come April. We have a lot to catch up on.

I wonder where I will be spending next Thanksgiving?